CATCH PEN

 

A PRONOUN DERBY

It seems there is a mighty big fuss about pronouns
Which to use or ignore, which are lost and which are found
But, which one to use? Some are fat and some are thinner
So a contest was held to decide which would be the winner

Sure, a one-time, winner-take-all race around the track
All the pronouns, three years or older to stop the flack
Put up your bets boys, gold, sterling or bauble
Once and for all we'll settle the pronoun squabble

I is special and unique
Unlike me that has the E
I stands forever alone
The only single letter pronoun

He, we and she also have the E
But she is bogged down with three
Like you, him and her
But them and they are weighted with four

Yours is struggling along with a heavy five
But theirs, in a fix with six, might take a dive
It didn't take the bit and scratched
It's an unfair race with runners unmatched

At the post waiting for the bell
I jumps out ahead with a crowd yell
Me, we and he crowd in as a pack
Them and they are boxed in at the back

Yours is coming along fast
But theirs is dead last
And it's I out in front by a full letter
In the home stretch with none doing better

I is in the lead all the way
Seems it's always the same
It's I at the finish line a full length ahead of the pace
And that's the way it always is in the pronoun race

 

© 2025 Brian McNeal

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FRANCIS SCOTT KEY BRIDGE

Oh, say, can you see

'Fore the dawn's early light

What once proudly stood free

For the masses transporting

Who's broad spans and wide lanes

Held the precious cargo

O're the roadway they go

Steel beams ever guarding

Then the cargo ship came

And crashed into the same

We hoped through the night

That the lives would be saved

No longer does that Francis Scott Key bridge stand

The cars falling below

And the dead paid their toll

© 2024 Brian McNeal

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LIVING IN THE FUTURE   

I once asked my friend in the Emerald Isle

How he felt about living in the future

He acted puzzled and thought for awhile

Then said, “That sounds like you're going for humor”

“Well,” I said, “That all depends”

“Humor, Sci-Fi, or whatever suits your mood”

“But how it starts might not be how it ends”

Writing songs is much like a crapshoot.

“Well, what exactly do you mean?”

It had occurred to me that where he's been

Is exactly the place where I will be

Once the earth completes it's spin

It's already tomorrow Down Under

We're making it happen in their yesterday

Without thought nor care to make a blunder

Ignoring the fact they've already siezed the day

© 2024 Brian McNeal

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YOUNG MEN GO TO WAR

Young men go to war

Old men become fools once more

Young men pay the price

Old men take their slice

Wisdom is misguided

People are always divided

Sing their song, right or wrong

Out of tune, they sing along

Negligible gains and gigantic loses

No one can control the bosses

One death, or bodies by the score

Nothing good ever comes from war

Victory is always the goal

But there are no winners, I'm told

Count the losers by the millions 

More in the ranks of civilians

Tears are shed and prayers are sent

Mothers and fathers feel the torment

Some die young and some grow old

But none . . .

© 2025 Brian McNeal

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RINGERS AND LEANERS

I don't exactly know where it was that I went wrong

When my pappy said, "get in to horseshoes son"

I thought I knew all about it, gettin' ringers and countin' score

But I had no idea horseshoes could make a man so sore

I'd heard of "Leaners" and even seen a few

And I knew about "Ringers" so why did I need a school?

I was expecting to make money winnin' bets

Now here I am nailin' iron to backyard pets

Well, the school taught me that shoein' horses is not a game

And pitchin' horseshoes is not the same

But when they told me I'd be "Fairy-er" by the end of the year

I spoke up manly and proud but with a definate jeer"

The most important thing a horse shoer needs to know

Is how to stand on his feet with his head below

And he must be willing to wrestle with a hoof

Hinged to a thousand pounds of aloof

To shoe a horse properly, you must be no taller than 4 feet high

Have Jack LaLanne muscles in arms and thigh

Be able to hold that equine foot between your knees

And do your doggone best not to sneeze

On those days when nothing seems to work

When for some unknown reason the tame one has gone berserk

And you get that one that just won't lift his feet

You'll start to think of all the ways you could cheat

I've seen guys try to use the Scottish hobble

With the cantankerous horse who wants to squabble

I've even seen trick ponies shod while laying prone

And I've seen guys just walk away and leave it alone

After you've tried every way and nothing works on a stubborn cayuse

You'll wish you had learned to shoe a goose

Or you'll be findin' somethin' else you could be doin'

Instead of fussin' with a rank horse and stewin'

Farriers need to always be mindful of an owner who puts a ringer in the herd

That's when he shoes four in a row but wasn't warned about the third

Three are good, sweet, gentle, and give you everything you ask for

From that point on, you'll never trust the owners' candour

Now every farrier knows "Shoeing a Horse for Fun and Profit" 

Is 'pert near the best darn joke book on the market

The money you make shoein' is always circumspect

You hold it back so you can write your chiropractor a check

Just gettin' to the barn down the long washboard road

Might fix yer back but yer teeth are tappin' out Morse Code

A farrier needs a bone-cracker as a sideman

With back adjustments on the wholesale plan

After the cost of tools, shoes, nails and anvil

What''s left over isn't even a small handfull

When the IRS thinks you should give them some more

Just I tell them to help themselves to what's left on the barn floor

It's a mixed up world and that's for sure

When folks don't know the amount a shoer must endure

When they think puttin iron on horses feet

Is the same as hearin' the ringers go "Clink"

So now I'm hear to tell ya all about the confusion

Pitchin' shoes and shoein' stock is an illusion

They are not one in the same by any means

But with either one you'll seldom hear the jingle in your jeans.

© 2024 Brian McNeal    Published 5/2/24   National Cowboy Poetry Gathering Fan Page

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STUMPING A GEN Z CLERK

How to stump a Gen X or Gen Z store clerk

Just ask them if they have shoe polish

Look at the befudled look on their face

Watch their arrogance become rather smallish

Something else they'll never find for you

Ask them to show you were the typing paper is

Follow them all around the store

Don't allow them to simply "take a guess"

Try asking directions to the nearest Fotomat

Or if they carry 35 millimeter film in black and white

Ask if they have blank tapes or head cleaner for your VCR

Or if they've ever heard of hindsight

Most have already heard about the giant music discs

But even the compact ones are now passe

Downloading inferior quality from the web is preferred

To be expected with brain matter 50 shades of grey

Once upon a time a store clerk could offer help

But today, they only stock the stores

It's not important for them to learn what is

Planned obsolescence means we're all dinosaurs

© 2025 / Brian McNeal

 

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HARANGUER

What's worse than having just one
Is when you have two behind the gun
A doppleganger haranguer is an example
When one would have been more than ample

When two are venting the same rant
Twins, even if one is only a sycophant
Sometimes confused with a "copycat"
Or, possibly even a genuine photostat

© 2025 / Brian McNeal

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WHAT A COWBOY THINKS ABOUT e-BEGGING

This constant bombardment for reviews is invasive

It's completely unnecessary and quite offensive

They want us to think they'll somehow improve 

If we'd just give them a positive review

What they're really fishing for is kudos and atta-boys

That they can publish and play with like a bag full of toys

People who are suposed to have a level of expertise

Are asking the layman how to run their companies

They don't want negative reviews by any means

The truth hurts, they say, but not for them it seems

A low rating wlll get a response with excuses

But no changes in the way of improvements

"How did you like your stay with us? Was your meal alright?"

Hell no, I paid for excellence and you want me to accept second rate?

They act like we should be glad we got a bicycle instead of a race car

And if we're not, then somehow, we're the ones who are bizarre

Write to a company about a defective product and wait for a response

A nice customer service agent will sympathize and send you some coupons

For more of the very same defective stuff without actually fixing the trouble 

Then they'll beg for a review of their service, sending requests in double

Just try to ignore their request for a review

You'll get threatening reminders in your email que

Consultants used to get paid huge amounts for this work

Now they're all unemployed thanks to this unverified measurment quirk

Only a fool thinks a wolf in sheep's clothing is acceptable

Their attitude about their obligations to their customers is despicable

They must think we're all blind fools with their lack of quality control

Reviews are their way of dodging their responsibility role

Unqualified reviewers with glowing praise and adulation 

Think they'll be more popular and seek their own attention

Then the companies sing their own 5-star song

And say that so many of their customers just can't be wrong

But the one star reviewers and those who say even one is too much

Get ignored or excused as cranks, kooks, nincompoops and such

This global market has given the sellers validation for sub-par

They use this contrived measurement tool to polish their tainted star

When Saint Peter gives them their final review before he opens the gate

Won't they be surprised to find they've woken up way too late

When the trumpets don't blow for them and they're sent below

I'd like to be standing there just to say, "I tried to tell you so!"

© 2025 / Brian McNeal

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