COWBOY RHYMES: CATCH PEN

A PRONOUN DERBY

It seems there is a mighty big fuss about pronouns
Which to use or ignore, which are lost and which are found
But, which one to use? Some are fat and some are thinner
So a contest was held to decide which would be the winner

Sure, a one-time, winner-take-all race around the track
All the pronouns, three years or older to stop the flack
Put up your bets boys, gold, sterling or bauble
Once and for all we'll settle the pronoun squabble

I is special and unique
Unlike me that has the E
I stands forever alone
The only single letter pronoun

He, we and she also have the E
But she is bogged down with three
Like you, him and her
But them and they are weighted with four

Yours is struggling along with a heavy five
But theirs, in a fix with six, might take a dive
It didn't take the bit and scratched
It's an unfair race with runners unmatched

At the post waiting for the bell
I jumps out ahead with a crowd yell
Me, we and he crowd in as a pack
Them and they are boxed in at the back

Yours is coming along fast
But theirs is dead last
And it's I out in front by a full letter
In the home stretch with none doing better

I is in the lead all the way
Seems it's always the same
It's I at the finish line a full length ahead of the pace
And that's the way it always is in the pronoun race

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FRANCIS SCOTT KEY BRIDGE

Oh, say, can you see

'Fore the dawn's early light

What once proudly stood free

For the masses transporting

Who's broad spans and wide lanes

Held the precious cargo

O're the roadway they go

Steel beams ever guarding

Then the cargo ship came

And crashed into the same

We hoped through the night

That the lives would be saved

No longer does that Francis Scott Key bridge stand

The cars falling below

And the dead paid their toll

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LIVING IN THE FUTURE

I once asked my friend in the Emerald Isle
How he felt about living in the future
He acted puzzled and thought for awhile
Then said, “That sounds like you're going for humor”

“Well,” I said, “That all depends”
“Humor, Sci-Fi, or whatever suits your mood”
“But how it starts might not be how it ends”
Writing songs is much like a crapshoot.

“Well, what exactly do you mean?”
It had occurred to me that where he's been
Is exactly the place where I will be
Once the earth completes it's spin

It's already tomorrow Down Under
We're making it happen in their yesterday
Without thought nor care to make a blunder
Ignoring the fact they've already siezed the day

© 2024 Brian McNeal

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YOUNG MEN GO TO WAR

Young men go to war
Old men become fools once more
Young men pay the price
Old men take their slice

Wisdom is misguided
People are always divided
Sing their song, right or wrong
Out of tune, they sing along

Negligible gains and gigantic loses
No one can control the bosses
One death, or bodies by the score
Nothing good ever comes from war

Victory is always the goal
But there are no winners, I'm told
Count the losers by the millions
More in the ranks of civilians

Tears are shed and prayers are sent
Mothers and fathers feel the torment
Some die young and some grow old
But none . . .

© 2025 Brian McNeal

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RINGERS AND LEANERS

I don't exactly know where it was that I went wrong

When my pappy said, "get in to horseshoes son"

I thought I knew all about it, gettin' ringers and countin' score

But I had no idea horseshoes could make a man so sore

I'd heard of "Leaners" and even seen a few

And I knew about "Ringers" so why did I need a school?

I was expecting to make money winnin' bets

Now here I am nailin' iron to backyard pets

Well, the school taught me that shoein' horses is not a game

And pitchin' horseshoes is not the same

But when they told me I'd be "Fairy-er" by the end of the year

I spoke up manly and proud but with a definate jeer"

The most important thing a horse shoer needs to know

Is how to stand on his feet with his head below

And he must be willing to wrestle with a hoof

Hinged to a thousand pounds of aloof

To shoe a horse properly, you must be no taller than 4 feet high

Have Jack LaLanne muscles in arms and thigh

Be able to hold that equine foot between your knees

And do your doggone best not to sneeze

On those days when nothing seems to work

When for some unknown reason the tame one has gone berserk

And you get that one that just won't lift his feet

You'll start to think of all the ways you could cheat

I've seen guys try to use the Scottish hobble

With the cantankerous horse who wants to squabble

I've even seen trick ponies shod while laying prone

And I've seen guys just walk away and leave it alone

After you've tried every way and nothing works on a stubborn cayuse

You'll wish you had learned to shoe a goose

Or you'll be findin' somethin' else you could be doin'

Instead of fussin' with a rank horse and stewin'

Farriers need to always be mindful of an owner who puts a ringer in the herd

That's when he shoes four in a row but wasn't warned about the third

Three are good, sweet, gentle, and give you everything you ask for

From that point on, you'll never trust the owners' candour

Now every farrier knows "Shoeing a Horse for Fun and Profit"

Is 'pert near the best darn joke book on the market

The money you make shoein' is always circumspect

You hold it back so you can write your chiropractor a check

Just gettin' to the barn down the long washboard road

Might fix yer back but yer teeth are tappin' out Morse Code

A farrier needs a bone-cracker as a sideman

With back adjustments on the wholesale plan

After the cost of tools, shoes, nails and anvil

What''s left over isn't even a small handfull

When the IRS thinks you should give them some more

Just I tell them to help themselves to what's left on the barn floor

It's a mixed up world and that's for sure

When folks don't know the amount a shoer must endure

When they think puttin iron on horses feet

Is the same as hearin' the ringers go "Clink"

So now I'm hear to tell ya all about the confusion

Pitchin' shoes and shoein' stock is an illusion

They are not one in the same by any means

But with either one you'll seldom hear the jingle in your jeans.

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QUICKER SLICKER

We called him "The Weatherman," but his name was Jake

Most of the time he could predict anything 'ceptin' a quake

Like the time he told us all to leave our spurs on our bunks

According to him, we'd be better off with canoes and swimming trunks

Rain was the biggest problem out on the range

If a cowboy got soaked, he had no dry clothes to change

Most of us carried a slicker tied on behind the saddle

And most of the time we could see the clouds in time to skidaddle

But every once in a while someone would come back

Soaked to the skin and shiverin' 'cause they forgot their mac

Or sometimes just because they diddle-daddled way too long

And the rain was on 'em while they were still tellin' Jake he was wrong

Now Jake never did succumb to the pitfalls of bad weather

He always maintained his dryness, like his skin was duck feathers

No matter the conditions of the elements, Jake was dry

None of the rest of us could match that no matter how hard we'd try

Then one day I made sure to stay close enough to Jake to view

While all the rest were fumblin' with their tie strings or grabbin a wad to chew

Jake had his slicker on and was ridin' hard for cover

Soaked as I was, I followed close, reckoning to discover

Never did find out the secret, at least not for some while

But I kept up my habit of stayin' close to Jake, mile after mile

Then one day, it just dawned, like I'd been lookin' at the wrong end of the cow

I knew it wasn't the way he got his slicker off, but puttin' in on was how.

As we were loadin' out one day, I watched close, the way Jake did his rig

He had some fancy way of keepin' his slicker tied on, like keepin' on a wig

It weren't no kinda glue or tie straps but some sorta ribbon with roughness

Some was riveted down behind his cantle that looked something like pumice

He had another piece of something sewn onto his raingear

That's when I figured him out and everything became clear

He never had to fumble with cold hands untying wet leather straps

He never had to get soaked to the skin before he could get back

Well, my curiosity got the best of me, so I asked for a show

That's when he told me it was something they called Velcro

Ya get it at the hardware store in town, and it only costs a little

It's better'n duct tape 'cause you can use it over and over, and it don't get brittle

Well, I kept my mouth shut and never said a word to a soul

Until Jake moved on to another outfit and his secret I stole

That's when I became the bunkhouse number one tricker

I won a ton of cash and loot bettin' I'd be the one with the quicker slicker

© 2025 / Brian McNeal

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