SIDEWINDERS

SOME LIKE IT HOT

Like many young cowboys on the Yuma range

He'd raised a lotta hell, don’tcha know

So the Lord said, “You've caused me disgrace”

And he sent the cowboy straight down below

Well, the young man noticed right off its familiarity

He wandered around Hell gettin’ the layout

Petitioned ol’ Lucifer but couldn't get any charity

The mercury that day was just below pop out.

As Satan began to crank up the heat 

The young buckaroo continued his tour

Hotter and hotter but no sweat did he excrete

In fact, he seemed quite prim and demure

Well, the ol’ devil did his level best

To torch, fry, bake and broil

But he couldn't make the cowboy fail the test

Regardless of his tricks and toil

Later that evening, the cowboy's Yuma buddies got a shocker

To see their recently departed comrade back above the soil

When tney found him rummaging through his old footlocker

He said he'd just had to come back to look for his bedroll

© 2024 Brian McNeal

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I SOLD MY SOLE TO THE DEVIL  

I'd heard the Devil don't have no hypocrite shoes

I wondered if he was barefoot with the blues

Now I've got more old boots than I can wear

And I'm not opposed to offer a share

But I like the fancy stitched tops way too much

And I just can't part with that kinda stuff

So with my trusty pocket knife sharpened fine

I cut off those fancy boot tops of mine

I framed them all in appropriate pairs

And hung them on the wall above the stairs

Now they're treasures on full display

For all to see in my cowboy chalet

But what to do with the remains

I thought and thought and racked my brains

Some were whole and some had holes

But I'm not one to waste what I could control

I wondered if someone might have a need

So I priced them all without any greed

Yard sale prices for a quick sell

Hoping someone would find them swell

Well it didn't take long and I had a buyer

Said he had a need and was lookin' for a supplier

Said he came up from below with specific goals

So I made a deal and unloaded all my soles

I thought maybe he was gonna use them double

To sorta keep his feet out of trouble

Down where the heat is obscene

Where thermometers reach extremes

Now, I knew just who he was without a doubt

And instantly figured out what he was all about

But I got the better end of the deal for sure, for certain

And now the Devil still ain't got no cure for hurtin'

He didn't know that what I had to sell

Wasn't anything close and I wasn't going to tell

He was lookin' for the kind spelled  S - O - U - L - S 

But I heard something different and so I said, "Hell Yes!"

© 2023 Brian McNeal

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THE DEVIL’S TIME

 

If I were the Devil, I’d change the time

Twice a year just to mess with your mind

I’d find some justification to make you believe

It’s good for everyone, especially the naïve

If I were the Devil, I’d give half of the people some doubt

I’d make ‘em hate it and I’d make ‘em freak out

I’d give others some reasoning and rational that is faulty

I’ll bet the bickering between the two is gonna be salty

I’d plant this seed in the minds of congress to make it mandatory

Congress and I will make you feel like you’re doing it for Old Glory

I’d help advertising agencies come up with catchy slogans and buzz words

But for you, I’d help you invent a whole new string of cuss words

Spring Forward and Fall Back, you’ll hate it and love It, one in the same 

Conflicting souls is my aim and what fun I’ll have playing this game

I’ll squeal with glee each time you whine about losing a little sleep

No big deal, you think you’re saving time but where I come from time is cheap

I’d sit on the shoulder of every employee who gets chewed out for being late

I’d whisper in their ear, words to say to make the boss a lot more irate

And if they should happen to get fired, wouldn’t that just make my day

I’ll be there in the Unemployment line too, watching them explain that away.

I wouldn’t give up there either, no I’d go to the job interviews

I’d get them really depressed and then I’d help them find their way into a bottle of booze

Time doesn’t mean so much when you’re down and out and all alone

But hey, don’t blame me, you’re the one who doesn’t have a backbone

I’d help some news outlets find good data on why it’s the best thing since sliced bread

And I'd help others find refuting statistics that claim the idea is bonehead

I’d give one side ammunition against the other and then undo what I’d just done

I don’t really care which side wins, as long as I get one over on the Almighty and his son.

I’d even get scientists and religious theologians to debate the merits of saving an hour

Employers by the thousands will start to think this will save on costs for manpower

Those who sleep in late will be glad and those who don’t will be mad

There’ll be some who try to put a halt to it and claim it’s just a passing fad

If I were the Devil and I had accomplished this much

I’d give you another surprise, just a soft little touch

I’d change the split from five and seven to seven and five

Then I’d sit back and watch the world take a dive

Just as soon as you get comfortable with the way it is

I’d mess it all up and put a monkey wrench into your biz

It’s gonna curl the whiskers on my chin when I watch you squirm,

As I give you false hope that this is only going to be short term

I did this more than a hundred years ago and that’s what I told them then

Pretty much the whole world has converted now from Copenhagen to Cheyenne

And from Juneau Alaska to a place in Australia down under called Jibberding

Daylight Saving time is here to stay and I’m thinking about making it a permanent thing

I don’t know if that will really happen or not but it’s not necessary anyway

The suggestion alone causes enough division to make the Civil War look like child’s play

I just love it when I see my handiwork in action and two sides at each other’s throats

All over a simple little hour twice a year. This is better than when I sank that big boat

One way or another, Daylight Saving Time is here forever, I’ll make sure of that

If you’re not happy about it come on down, we’ll have a chat

If I were the Devil this is what I’d do just for fun and recreation

The rest is all done by you. All I do is plant the seed for your damnation.

© 2022 Brian McNeal

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THE BUSHWHACKER

You're looking at a master at skullduggery

I've been a student of the best teachers

Starting out with the course in humbuggery

Now I'm a product of supersedure

It's a lonely, dirty job

Laying in wait for hours

Hoping for a sucker to rob

Waiting to see if it's you or me who gets the flowers

Sometimes the payoff is worth it

An easy buck if they know what's good

A pistol shot if they prefer it

Stand and deliver, please, if you would.

Sometimes it's a downright bust

A coach hauling mail or freight

What I'm looking for is the upper crust

Sometimes I just need to dangle a little bait.

Sometimes I have a crew of one or two

But I prefer to work alone for many reasons

It's easier to keep one's face hidden from view

And easier when it comes to splittin up the pleasin's

I'm a polite outlaw with no intent to ruin

I tip my hat to the ladies as they pass

Buy a round for the gents in the saloon

And carry myself like a member of the upper class

The sheriff thinks he knows who I am

I planned ahead and got some insurance

I took his lovely daughter to my hand

Thinking she might provide some deterrence

But she found my mask and loot

Figured me for the scoundrel that I was,

Ratted me out and gave me the boot

Now I'm about to hang for probable cause

So if you wanna be a bushwacker and live to tell the tale

Never give your trust to a sheriff's handsome daughter

She'll have the noose around your neck before you get to jail

While she's spending all your loot come hell or high water

© 2025 Brian McNeal

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MODERN SNAKEOIL

My grandaddy said he was gettin' up three and four times a night

Then he saw one of these commercials on the box that said

He could sleep all night and wake up in the morning feeling just right

Well, he don't get up at all now but in the morning he has a wet bed

Then my wife saw an ad for a pill guaranteeing weight loss while you sleep

It said in just a few short weeks we'd all see a slimmer, trimmer you

Taking them literally at their word, she tried it first on some of the sheep

The weight she lost was from her purse but we still had some prize-winner ewes

Drug commercials on the television frost me to no end

"Just Say No" got lost somewhere in corporate greed

They've convinced us that pharmaceuticals are our friends

 And if you believe all they say, you'll be buying the devil's weed

Disclaimers about adverse effects delivered like a sales pitch

No longer buried and blurred with intent to conceal

Silver-tongued talkers smooth over danger like quilters do a straight stitch

Dubious cures or plain ol' snakeoil, trading known for unknown is a bad deal

Regardless of the drug they're selling or the ailment it's supposed to cure

The list of negative posibilities outweighs the chance for success

One must be completely desperate to fall for this snakeoil allure

So desperate to be completely unaware of the impending distress

If we treated our livestock with this same mentality,

We'd reduce the value of the herds by every animal treated

No one would buy a burger knowing it could cause senility

No rancher would help his own livelihood to become defeated

Major drug companies prescribing without benefit of diagnosis

"Do no harm" is an oath they uphold only as it relates to their net earnings

Meanwhile, we're all walking around like subjects of hypnosis

Seems to me that we could cure our ills with much better means

Expecting a result and getting more than bargained is not always advantageous

It's not the same as ordering a truck-load of fresh-cut alfalfa

And getting a free all expense-paid trip to the Strip in Las Vegas

It's more like expecing a cure for hiccups and getting free fibromyalgia

When did we switch from cancer being a death sentence

To becoming just another item in the long list of side effects?

When did society accept mortal sin without repentance?

The goal of the industry and our own wisdom are both suspect

© 2025 / Brian McNeal

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TRICK PONIES OR THICK PHONEYS

I saw me a man oncet when I was just small

He had a gimmick to make himself look tall

Elevator shoes, they called 'em, I later found out

It was my first look at what the world is all about

Then the big show came to town where I was at

Here come that same guy, but the only thing tall was his hat

Seven feet, ten inches at the crown, he'd claim

Then he'd get out his measurin' stick to prove the same

Next time I saw him, he was at the World's Fair in Omaha

He had him a one-trick pony proving the theory of OHM's law

It didn't make no sense 'tall to most of us in the crowd

But when that pony stepped on him, he sure got loud

Down in Louisville, I saw that same pony in the race

Mr. Tall Hat was the jockey who set the pace

Seems things are never what they seem at first

People always tryin' to quench that greedy thirst

I found out, years later, his son grew up to be a very important man

He had everyone fooled, he thought, according to his portentous plan

He'd give his two-fingered salute and jowel-shaking "I'm not a crook"

And then we saw the wolf in sheep's clothing, a presidential schnook.

The world is full of copy-cats, look-alikes and wanna-bees

And now we have another begging for our trust — please

Over thirty thousand lies and a proven intent to decieve

Now the count continues and the final total you won't believe

When everyone else is relying upon deception from a trick pony

How can anyone ever know what's real and what's phoney?

Whether a man is wearing fake specs or writing bad checks

When he says he's an honest liar, never believe what comes next

© 2025 / Brian McNeal

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