COWBOY RHYMES: TOMBSTONES 'N TUMBLEWEEDS

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TUMBLEWEED TERROR

The young cowboy had taken a part time job pumpin' gas

It was the off season for cattle and it cost money to buy grass

A cold and blistery Wyoming winter day was nothing new

Fighting off the boredom as the few people wanting gas drove through

A young blonde gal with Illinois license plates pulled up and rang the bell

She was at the self-serve pumps, where it was cheap, but she couldn't tell

Being blonde had it's benefits the way she saw things

She was a princess and the cowboy was certainly no king

Trying to talk sense to an Eastern wanna-be queen is ludicrous

But it's just enough to make a young cowboy become unscrupulous

She wanted the cheaper fuel clearly marked on the five foot sign

And somehow she thought her entitlement meant he'd be obliged

So the lad pumped her tank full of premium leaded high-test

And engaged her in polite conversation like he did for all the rest

He learned this was her very first trip out West and she was beguiled

She held the image of gunfights, saloons and reputations defiled

Too many Western movies and TV shows had corrupted her reality

She was disenchanted with paved streets and traffic like the Grand Prix

Too much modernism and progress had concealed her ideal

She wanted to see the wild and wooly West with all it's charm and appeal

Just then, a Russian thistle, better known as a Wyoming tumbleweed, rolled in on the wind

She looked like she'd seen a ghost, an apparition. It shook her and put her in a tailspin

She'd never seen one live and in person. They don't have them on the streets of Chicago

She'd only seen them on the silver screen with John Wayne, Gabby Hayes and Marlon Brando

So the young cowboy knew he had her at last and he played it for all it was worth

He led her on, told her it was only the beginning. What was yet to come was worse.

Soon the Indians would come with war paint, tomahawks and blood curdling screams

Stealing, burning, taking hostages and generally butchering a young blonde girl's dreams

Well, she turned that '69 Charger around and headed back for Illinois like a scared rabbit

Traveling East as fast as she could go, hoping to escape the carnage of the redman's habit

He finally lost sight of her taillights in the dust as he held his sides with laughter and glee

A tenderfoot filly terrified out of her wits at the sight of a Western tumbleweed

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OLD TOP RAIL

Oh the many stories I could tell

Of the beasts contained within

The docile and the meek

And those who came from hell

Of the days I held the best

The horses of the plains

The mustangs of the mountains

And them who came to tame the West

When old Tomahawk Jim broke his back

Crashing down from a sunfish buck

Landing hard like a Scud

In a Persian Gulf attack

Of the years of searing sun

Burning away my youthful looks

And the years of brand new little tykes

Climbing to the top, just for fun

Yes, the stories I could tell you

So many good ones on the list

Which ones would you like to hear?

Just pick a few, one or two, from the menu

Oh, if only. If only I had a voice

You would be mesmerized

Fascinated with the escapades

Of horses here by force and cowboys here by choice

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GUNPOWDER FOR BREAKFAST

Well, it had been widely circulated around the ranch

If a feller were to sprinkle gunpowder all over his meal

Every day of his life, he'd live well past his heavenly chance

It's what everyone talked about and believed to be real

Well, 'ol Gus said his family were not long-livers

Said his grampa died young at just fourty seven

His own father was only fourty three when he got the shivers

So he might as well postpone his own trip to heaven

Gunpowder Gus is what we called him the rest of his days

He put that stuff on his breakfast every morning at sunrise

He lived a long a fruitful life and died at 96 years of age

He swore the gunpowder was not the cause of his demise

It's what kept him going and added years to his life's run

We had his memorial service in the high school auditorium

He left behind 6 children, 24 grand children and 60 great grand children

But what we'll remember most was the 16 foot hole he left in the crematorium

...

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DESERT SNOWMAN

If you think he felt out of place

That snowman with the smile on his face

On a blistering summer desert day

Just wait till you see him driving the sleigh

If you think that perhaps he didn't belong

That yard-art built to stand up strong

Next to the rusty lizard and armadillo

Just waitin' for the bloomin' rebar ocotillo

With black top hat and turquoise necktie

He never speaks - always tongue tied

Don't go near, he'll prick you sure

Better walk around, take the scenic detour

Stately standing watch over all the yard

Magnificently, like the Queen's Royal Guard,

Along with the saguaro, intruders get double-teamed

Home security from a snowman made of tumbleweeds

So, if you think you've seen it all and there ain't no more

You ain't been down to Arizona's West Coast shore

Whether he be painted white or left au naturel

He'd be the perfect sentry if he wasn't so damned flammable

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THE BUSHWHACKER

You're looking at a master at skullduggery
I've been a student of the best teachers
Starting out with the course in humbuggery
Now I'm a product of supersedure

It's a lonely, dirty job
Laying in wait for hours
Hoping for a sucker to rob
Waiting to see if it's you or me who gets the flowers

Sometimes the payoff is worth it
An easy buck if they know what's good
A pistol shot if they prefer it
Stand and deliver, please, if you would.

Sometimes it's a downright bust
A coach hauling mail or freight
What I'm looking for is the upper crust
Sometimes I just need to dangle a little bait.

Sometimes I have a crew of one or two
But I prefer to work alone for many reasons
It's easier to keep one's face hidden from view
And easier when it comes to splittin up the pleasin's

I'm a polite outlaw with no intent to ruin
I tip my hat to the ladies as they pass
Buy a round for the gents in the saloon
And carry myself like a member of the upper class

The sheriff thinks he knows who I am
I planned ahead and got some insurance
I took his lovely daughter to my hand
Thinking she might provide some deterrence

But she found my mask and loot
Figured me for the scoundrel that I was,
Ratted me out and gave me the boot
Now I'm about to hang for probable cause

So if you wanna be a bushwacker and live to tell the tale
Never give your trust to a sheriff's handsome daughter
She'll have the noose around your neck before you get to jail
While she's spending all your loot come hell or high water

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HITLER WAS A HERO

Many had tried but failed
Only one got it done
Plots and schemes veiled
Knife, bomb or submachine gun

Courage, secrecy and planning
The best of them gone awry
Eyes open, always scanning
The best way for Hitler to die

Taking care of business
Giving the world his last contribution
Asking no forgiveness
He administered his own final solution

In the end, with a friend
By his own hand, it would appear so
With nothing left to defend
Hitler became a hero

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TOMBSTONES 'N TUMBLEWEEDS

COWBOY RHYMES

Contact BRIAN McNEAL