COWBOY RHYMES: HORSEFEATHERS

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HORSE APPLES FOR BREAKFAST

Horse apples for breakfast, lunch and dinner
Not too appealing but it'll sure make you thinner
Better'n a roadkill diet when and where you can find it
You know you can't just go to the store and buy it

Middle of the street after a parade if you're quick
Gather 'em up like marshmellows on a stick
Four-legged machines make 'em if you buy the grass
Lots of horsepower and never any gas

Craigslist sellers bag 'em for sale or barter
Organic compost for your garden starter
Meals-ready-to-eat for your canine friends
Since you can't keep 'em out of the horse pens

You don't really have to make like sushi and eat it raw
Cook 'em with horse apple brickettes for the inlaws
Horse apple tea, hot or cold for young and old
Letting it go to waste is like throwing out your gold

Mix 'em with a little rum or burbon whiskey
Rolled up in powdered sugar, they're nifty
Just one horse makes a batch to serve fifty
Put 'em on a doyley on a plate and serve with tea

A vegitarian diet of alfalfa sprouts pelletized
Goes real well with a side of french fries
Pre-digested fiber for intestinal fortitude
It's pure love to have your food already chewed

Horse apples for the entrée, and the main course
Apple pie for desert, warm, right from the horse
Morning, noon and night, now to be a contest winner
Just eat horse apples for breakfast, lunch and dinner

© 2025 Brian McNeal

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THE TV PLUG

Now this guy was none too bright

And some thought he was born last night

But he had a way about him

Even though he was awful dim

A slow elevator to the top floor

His boat didn't quite reach the shore

But that don't matter much at all

‘Cause he stumbled into the biggest windfall

One day it seems, while plugging in the TV

He got the plug reversed and you won't believe what he'd seen

Suddenly, he was watching the end of the race

Horses going backwards around the track with the utmost grace

Changing the channels, he saw his favorite movie

But it was all wrong. Credits from Z to A instead of A to Z

What could this be he wondered and scratched his head

''My TV is on the blink. Everything is backwards instead"

It was late in the evening but his five o'clock shadow was gone

The sky was getting lighter and the birds were singing their song

The hands on his clock were moving the wrong way

And while it should be night it was looking like day

Well his birthday finally came around but the calendar was wrong

He was younger than his last even though it was a year long

He couldn't understand what he was seeing

This was great now, but pretty soon he'd be teething

He thought back over what had happened

Then discovered the plug that was backwards

Realizing his magic “find” he told not a soul

He kept his secret how to never grow old

Now everyday he changes the plug's polarity

One day this way, the next, that way with absolute certainty

He grows older today and younger tomorrow

He never pays his debts and he never has to borrow

The fountain of youth was never a plume of water in the air

Who knew it was just a simple electrical repair?

Now the moral of this story is: Don't take things with such ease

Look at everything from one hundred and eighty degrees.

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THE COWBOY WHO DRANK TEA

Now this may come as a surprise to some
But not all old-time cowboys liked to drink coffee
What you will find, generally, as a rule of thumb
It just wasn't in some cowboys' personal esprit

You could always find the cowboys who drank whiskey
And beer was a choice more often than not
When on the trail, the usual fair was strong black coffee
But some cowboys just had another thought

Like ol' Percy Newton who'd come up from New South Wales
He'd learned to dislike the bitter taste of coffee down under
He'd heard the aborigines talk about some leaves in pails
They'd raided a British cargo ship and stole the plunder

Bales and bales of dried tea leaves they had no use for
So Percy showed 'em how to brew a proper pot
Soon they were drinkin' tea every afternoon at four,
Holdin' their little pinky out and wearin' an ascot

This is all according to Percy, 'cause ain't none of us was there
But Percy swore an oath on King and Country, that it was all true
Percy Newton is the bioke who got the natives to likin' their tea-time affair
And that's how it became a daily ritual with him too

Now out on the range in Wyomng, there ain't no ships to raid
No prairie schooners loaded down with brewin' leaves
So Percy was in a fix, lookin for some chap to come to his aid
No refreshment for him while we rounded up all those beeves

Then one day we stumbled on a half-breed, all alone, under a tree
He was boilin' water and chippin' the bark, makin' wooden ribbons
Percy was curious and stopped to investigate the half-breed's tree-bark tea
The breed said he'd learned it from his Pa, old trapper Gibbons

White bark trees, oak trees, pine trees and a lot more,
All have some good tannins and flavors when brewed
Percy convinced the boss to let the breed come do chores
So Percy had some bark tea every day, which improved his attitude

One day, back at the ranch, in the bunkhouse, all tired, sore and bruised
Percy spit out his tea and said it tasted like rotten eggs
So we questioned the breed to find out what tree he'd used
Turned out, it was bark from the tree where the dog lifted his leg

Well, that breed moved down to Texas and started a famiily of his own
His son grew up to believe that trees were meant for more than fuel
Matter of fact, in later years, the son became very well known
He wrote books and got on television. You might remember old Euell

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THE BARBER SHOP

Just a little shop on the main street in town

A place where the fellers came from all around

A haircut sometimes but sometimes not

Just a joke or two and sometimes a plot

Up on the wall was a framed newspaper clipping, yellowed with age

Next to the story was a photograph of a man holding a twelve-guage

All the locals knew the story well, but newcomers always got the re-tell

About the day a local man in this small, little town almost met the devil

Now, the way ol' Cliff tells the story, it was he and Bill

The Jackpot on the Lottery was up over a Mil

So they decided it'd be worth a shot - to be a big shot

Well, they went down to the 7-11 and each got their numbers in the slot

Boy, how they were laughin' and carryin' on about how they'd spend their loot

Bill put his ticket up in his sun visor clip and Cliff put his down in his boot

Then they headed back to the barbershop and quickly forgot

It didn't seem likely they'd win anyhow. It was only the anticipation they'd bought

Well, late next morning when Bill finally woke up, he remembered the ticket still in his truck

He went out in his pajamas and his favorite bathrobe that he always used for good luck

He picked up the morning paper from the walk and opened it up to the front page

Just as he knew it would, the winning numbers were printed and the first was his age

That's when it all started right there. That was one of his numbers and he was sure glad he'd picked it

But, he couldn't get the truck door open fast enough to check the rest of the numbers on the ticket

His excitement was building. If he got a few more matched numbers, he might get something

As each number matched up a winner, his excitement swelled and that's when he did a dumb thing

With every number matched, he knew he'd won the jackpot and he couldn't contain his joy

He started honking the horn over and over and shouting, "I won, I won, I won, Oh Boy!!!"

Then he ran in to the house and woke everyone else with: "We'er Rich, We're Rich, We're Rich!!!"

He was runnin' around like a mad-man. He didn't know what to do first, he was a man bewitched

"I'm gonna buy me a new truck!!! I'll get a new truck for the wife!!!" He called Cliff and told him he'd buy him a new truck

Cliff came right over and joined in with the celebration. Bill was still bouncin' off the walls with his great luck

He was gonna move to a new neighborhood with a bigger house, up on the side of town with the elite

He was gonna get a new motorcycle, swimming pool, new clothes for the wife and a new gun to shoot skeet

The family was all excited too but still in disbelief, mostly from the look on Cliff's face and the wink of his eye

But they let Bill go on and on most of the day. It was such fun to watch him and hear him tell everything he would buy

Then late in the evening, Cliff finally started to question Bill about the validity of his big win

Was he sure, did he check the numbers twice? "Well, maybe you better check that ticket again," Cliff said with a grin

Well, what happened was this:

The morning after they bought the tickets, Cliff got up early and saw the winning numbers printed in the paper

He quickly went to the store and got Bill's exact same numbers in the exact same order to pull off this caper

Now, the numbers, of course, were for the next drawing but Bill might not observe

Knowing Bill slept in late, he snatched that ticket from the visor and replaced it with the reserve

Bill was so high, he was lookin' down at cloud nine. He couldn't believe he'd found the pot of gold

Even with Cliff badgering him about checking over the ticket, Bill's excitement couldn't be controlled

Finally, Cliff got him to look carefully at the date printed on the ticket, which was, of course, the current date

April first was clearly printed on the stub, but the jackpot was for March thirty first, just a day late

Well, the story went around town for years to come after that - how one friend duped another on April Fools

Cliff had gotten the whole story documented and printed in the paper with quotes and all of a prankster's tools

He had that newspaper clipping framed and posted up on the wall in the barber shop for all to see

The day he pulled the best April Fools day prank ever on ol' Bill McGee

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CROW CREEK

As a child along the banks of Crow Creek
I played in the sand and spied through the reeds
Like hundreds of children before me did
Like Custer's Indian scouts did

Crow Indians knew the creek well
I knew how the creek could swell
How many children over the years?
Over miles and time, over tears and cheers?

When Cheyenne was still part of Dakota
Crow Creek had been home to the Lakota
The railroad and a man named Dodge
Only think they built the first lodge

It runs through Cheyenne's downtown
Long ago it was clear, not brown
Life along the creek is limited
Lizards and beetles live where once, children visited

Pollution's poison overflows the banks
Homeless camps of unwashed and rank
Trash and debris left behind
Washed downstream with the slime

Will it ever be again, the way it was back then?
Can Crow Creek's fresh waters return again?
Some day, Crow Creek waters may be knee-high
Somewhere there's an Indian with a tear in his eye

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THE BEDEVILED BLUE

Blue grass isn't really blue
Nor the sky if you wanna be true
Kentucky has a blue moon
I've never seen a blue mood

A blue Christmas without you?
A color favored by the Jews
Purple is the berry called "blue"
No "G" rating for a movie that is blue

Royals deceptively spew
That their blood is blue
But, just like me and you,
They bleed blood red too

Bruises are often black but never blue
Some places have laws they call blue
Blue chips are not always blue
Blue Ribbon beer is neither a ribbon nor blue

I can hear the singing in the room
But I've never seen singing blue
Likewise, the blue note in the tune
It's not likely blue will recover soon

Blue gets a bad rap most of the time
Not like hot pink or Key Lime
Firey red is ahead in the line
Blue needs a better agent next time

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BIGGEST SPORT IN TEXAS

Well, down in the Lonestar State, they got a lot of sports
Some of 'em will tell you football is king, of course
And then there are a few famous baseball stars
But I'm here to tell you none can beat their sport with cars

There's two official ways to play the sport
And you best not mix them, or you'll come up short
With one, you must have your engine in running gear
And with the other you just need to have enough beer

It's number one all the way from the panhandle to the coast
Even though some will argue, there's still a lot who boast
All across the state and up and down, Texans partake
There's pros and amateurs and even contests at stake

Any day, any time, and anywhere, you'll find a game in play
In the stadium parking lot or on the expressway
They like to play on the city streets and rural routes
Don't matter who you are, they'll become your papoose

Now, sometimes it can be a lot of fun
As soon as the burgers and brats are done
The beer is cold and the music is loud
It's the party before the party for the party crowd

But then there are times when you don't wanna play
They get incensed and perturbed that you spoiled their day
Downright hostility can replace hospitality in a flash
Seems every one of 'em is in a hurry to make a splash

The winners of the game are those who play and become survivors
You can't prove their Texas pride by the attitude of their drivers
It may not be polite or courteous, but it's the way Texans behave
Refuse to play and you'll get an agressive middle finger wave

Now, if you haven't gotten the idea yet, just hang on tight
Like you were a passenger in the car in front of the headlights
If you don't play, they'll give you not one hint of southern compassion
If you wanna know why, it's 'cause Tailgating is a Texas National Passion

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DOGS

He told me he never liked dogs very much

But then, little Sophie rode all the way home

In the back seat of his Caddy - what a soft touch

Back then, neither of us knew she'd end up in this poem

He told me how it was his job and he never minded

But that was another place and in another time

I never did believe that his dislike and job coincided

And neither of us knew it would be the subject of this rhyme

He told me what a great dog Lady was - out at the ranch

How she'd instinctively know to chase the cows out of the yard

Completely opposite of his previous stance

When he finally had to let her go, I know it was hard

He told me all about Daisy and their walks in the park

She'd follow him out to the shop and wait by his chair

Their bond was special and I can't remember if she ever barked

Now she's lost without him and looks everywhere

Yeah, he told me but I think I knew better all the time

A man who likes horses can't be so sour on dogs

Yeah, he told me but I think the proof you will find

Is something quite different from his numerous dialogs

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THE BIGGEST LITTLE STORE IN TEXAS

When I was just a lad, about nine years old
I learned that everything in Texas was big, so I was told
And not only that, but Texans are damned proud of their size
Never missing a chance to show us how much they idolize

If it's big back home where you come from
In Texas, they'll put it under their thumb
If it's small enough to wrap up in a bandana
They'll ship it off to Oklahoma or Louisiana

So imagine my surprise to learn they had convenience stores
Those little neighborhood places with the stuff you can't ignore
Contrast that with grocery stores big as a shopping mall
But, like everything else, their C-stores come with a Texas drawl

Extended and spread out with a hundred fueling stations
A fifteen-acre parking lot and enough geegaws for all your relations
To see it all, you'll need to pack a lunch and spend the day
A Texas-sized neighborhood market—as big as some counties, I'd say

To see a line waiting for the ladies' room is a sight common enough
But to see the line of gents waiting their turn is just plain rough
With more than 50 standing stations and 50 more locking stalls
You're still gonna need to make that advanced reservation call

Billboards never advertise the merchandise they have on the shelf
Instead, they tell you how long it'll be until you can relieve yourself
Cute little euphemisms for bodily functions that everyone has
Splattered across giant billboards with uncouth pizzazz

You only need to visit one in a lifetime, and you'll see what I mean
You won't soon forget the exorbitant and decadent scene
There's more, somewhere along your way, to find everything one needs
The biggest little convenience store in the Lone Star State is called Buc-ee’s

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* The poem, THE COWBOY WHO DRANK TEA, is fictional but Euell Gibbons was an actual figure in American History, (1911-1975)

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